| sew diamonds into her eyes.. </3 |
[05 May 2017|05:35pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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circle takes the square - our need to bleed |
] |
ive decided.. the livejournal sucks.
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| ehhh... |
[06 Feb 2017|01:05pm] |
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mood |
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 hung over |
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music |
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Lit - My Own Worst Enemy |
] |
*bleh*
i think i drank too much last night..
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[31 Jan 2017|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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underoath - when the sun sleeps |
] |
have you ever felt like there has to be more to life then what we see everyday... like your incomplete and it feels like you have to find it to complete your purpose. i mean.. what is the purpose of our existance anyways. there has to be a reason.. right. have you ever wondered about it? hm. i know what you are all probably thinking.. 'damn, what kind of drugs is this bitch on?' i must sound totally insane. but i dunno.. nothing ever changes. life is like a routine. everyday we wake up in the same bed, in the same room. always seeing the same reflection, and the same people, and its all just the same. is that all life is? i mean it seems like there has to be something more. geeze.. im so goddamn confused... nothing makes sense to me anymore. maybe ive smoked too much in the past year. i need some answers. i guess this is why i want to leave. im not finding anything here. nothing exciting or spontainous ever happens. and its not like i have my friends around very much any more. i just need to do something, go somewhere, anywhere but here.. i cant be here anymore. its driving me crazy. i love you all, but i feel like im supposed to leave. maybe there's something out there im supposed to find... i have never felt to empty in my life.
sorry if none of that made sense.. and im also sorry that im totally insane.
its not completely hopeless.. is it? eh.. just stuff thats been on my mind for awhile.. i had to get it out.
thats all <333 i love you all.
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[27 Jan 2017|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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dead poetic - bury the difference |
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I WILL LOVE YOU FOR EVER IF YOU FILL THIS OUT<3333
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF...
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY...
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
OTHER Q'S...
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] This one was ridiculous so I took it out...
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how attractive am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
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| its so simple and complicated the way you can crush me... |
[25 Jan 2017|03:50pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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funeral for a friend - red is the new black |
] |
lately things have been weird. i havent really been myself. i have something on my mind and its all i can think about. i just kinda block everything else out and go into a trance.. its really weird. i never thought i'd ever feel like this. ive even been having trouble eating, and falling asleep. and my mom wont stop asking me if im sick.
i dont know whats wrong with me. maybe i am sick.. or maybe im just crazy..
peace<333
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[18 Jan 2017|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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broken </3 |
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music |
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near miss - rectify <3333 |
] |
nothing's right. too many things have been thrown at me at once, and i dont like it. its too much to handle. i dont know how to think or feel about any of it. im feeling so many different emotions at once. i just wanna scream, 'some one HELP!' damn. i wish i had someone who knows how i feel... unfortunatly i dont. oh well.. none ever comments on my journal anymore. you all suck. haha, but not really. like always, it feels like there's an empty space in my heart. like im incomplete. a puzzle that didnt come with all the peices. your determined to find the missing peices, so you look for what seems like a zillion years, then you start to lose all hope. thats when you start feeling like you have nothing left. sorry if that makes no sense at all. im just rambeling. well, thats all for now. dammit, i feel so fucking alone.
excuse the emoness.
i love you!
<3333
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[17 Jan 2017|03:52am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
] |
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music |
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Hawthorne Heights |
] |
if anyone wants to do something tomorrow, call me. i want to do something. anything. ill find a way. just call. oh, and if you dont have my number, its 407-438-5076.
today.. not allot happened. i almost killed 3 nine year olds. but thats about as eventful as my day got. they maybe savages, but with the right amount of rage, i think i can match up to them. no, but dude SERIOUSLY you dont even know. these kids are like a little peice of hell on earth. i think kaley might know what im talking about, but she hast been around in awhile. and when i tell them to shut up, all they say is "make me" but when i acctually make them, they cry and tell their dad. i just want to sew their mouthes shut. my mom doesnt like when i say thet to them. she says it too gorry. but i mean really... i swear to god they have ADHD. all three of them. then when their friends come over.. dear lord.. its like a horror movie. there's like 7 demond children all with ADHD. i feel like im on the set of children of the corn or something. hm. ill have to invite a few of you over someday. we'll have a nice little rumble. haha. arg. and the worst part about it is i still have one whole day to live in the same house as them. one of the worst days of my life. dont be alarmed it im not at school tuesday. its very likly that ill be dead. or in a sycotic institution. something like that.
anyways... something happened today that i didnt expect at all. i went to the mall with jenna. for the first time in probably a year. its probably because jenna dosnt like the mall. she says mall people are weird. they scare her. i dont blame her tho. mall people are weird... i was really hyper tho. i had money in my pocket and i was good to go. jenna's motivation was shoes. she wanted a pair of reboks.so our first stop happens to be journeys. i found these awsome pair of gangsta high tops where your supposed fold down to be cool, but unfortunatly i have this thing where i hate spending my money. so when jenna found that they didnt have the shoes she wanted, we left. but i swore to be back. we went to just about every shoe store in the mall and found that there were no pair of reboks less then 60$. what was funny about it tho was all the shoes that i liked werent anymore then 40$... so i finally convinced jenna that there were other shoes in the mall and that she shouldnt focus all her attention on that one pair. so when she finally realized that she just wasnt good enough to wear reboks she found a less expensive pair. apair of pink and black phat pharms only 40$. they were more her type anyways. so after 7 ciggerette breaks (well jenna's brother was with us so for him it was more like joint breaks) and walking through the mall 3 times, (since fashion square is so small)jenna ended up with 2 pairs of shoes, i ended up with some colorfull make-up, a new shirt, and a pair of shoes, and as for jenna's brother.. just about anything that has to do with weed. and you should be proud to know that im the only one who didnt walk out with more then bought.
well. that pretty much sums up boring uneventful life. its weird how my friends are like the exact opposite. their lives arent boring. they're always around doing something. oooh wait just a minute. i get it now. they're not really my friends, they're just pretending to be my friends because they're doing some kind of crazy experiment on people with boring lives. you think i didnt know. well.. im smarter then i look.. no im not. im a dumbass. now, back to the top of the entry. just a reminder. if you want to do anything tomorrow give me a call, or IM me or whatever.
well, all my bros and hoes i guess this means.. bye.
i love you <3333 *peace*
(dont do drugs)
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[11 Jan 2017|04:47pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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the spice girls - viva forever |
] |
alright. im done with all this emo shit. i dont want to have to force myself to be happy, but thats always how it seems. it might take me awhile, and alot of effort, but im gonna do it.. or at least try to do it. shit. this is gonna be hard.
hm, today was okay. i noticed ive been saying that more latly. maybe one day it'll acctually be GREAT! it's nice to dream right? its funny how absolutly nothing happens in my life. its basically just same shit different day. i dont have drama to worry about, i dont have guys to worry about, i never have plans to do aything. hm. wow, this makes me realize how totally lame i am. im just down right boring. it really sucks living my life. if it's not pain then its nothing.
hm. nothing to write really. tired. cramps. bye.
i love you all<3333
leave me a comment now whores!
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| i dont want the world to see me, cause i dont think that they'd understand.. |
[08 Jan 2017|02:24am] |
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mood |
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complicated |
] |
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music |
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the goo goo dolls - iris |
] |
it feels like my heart has been crushed up into a million peices and just blew away in the wind. so if you catch a peice of it.. please tell me, because its going to take a long time to put back together.
i dont blame those who dont read my entries,
who would want to read all this emo shit..
that's it. i think im just going to resort back to drugs, it doesnt seem like anything else is working for me..
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[07 Jan 2017|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
] |
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music |
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the like young - worry a lot.. dude, this song is rad. |
] |
 | You scored as Emo & More. Emo and Screamo.
Emo & More | | 92% | Indie | | 75% | Classic Rock. | | 75% | Punk and Pop Punk. | | 75% | Indie Rock | | 67% | Ska | | 58% | Hardcore | | 42% | Hip Hop and Rap | | 33% | Britpop | | 25% | Mainstream | | 17% | Industrial | | 13% | Country | | 13% | </td>
Music Recommendation
created with QuizFarm.com |
fuck, its official. im a little losery emo kidd... this sucks.
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| suiside to kiss your kids goodnight, will you take from then what they've taken from you? |
[07 Dec 2016|09:13pm] |
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music |
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funeral for a friend |
] |
hm.. nothings changed. still constantly sad, still hopelessly emo, and still thinking about how much better everything would be if i didnt exist.(which i know is a really selfish thing to say but it is truthfully how i feel) tharopy doesnt help, and neither does my medication. so i continuously try to hide behinde forced smiles and meaningless conversations. i think that really the only thing i need to help me are my friends, i just want to feel loved and... worthy. and since im odviously not feeling those things at home with my family i could only hope that i could feel them with the people that acctually do care.. but latly it seems like everyone is wrapped up in other things, we're all even starting to drift apart into seperate groups. i miss having everyone together just anywhere fooling around and just being happy because we're together. latly it seems like im the only one whose noticed these changes. or maybe im just the only one who doesnt like it.. i dunno whatever it is, i guess that theres nothing that i can do about it because it seems like everyone else is perfectly fine with whats going on. why should everyone change for just one person? it odviously makes absolutly no sense at all. im also starting to worry about my friends that live closer to me. they're all making some big dissisions that's most likly going to ruin their lives, ruin any possiblities of them ever making anything of themsleves. and yet the just push it aside as if were nothing. like jenna, she only has 6 months untill she graduates and moves out but apparently thats not soon enough for her. instead she wants to drop out of school totally forget about getting her daploma, move in with her 22 year old boyfriend who has no plans for the future and basically just live on minimum wage for the rest of her life. and no matter how much i tell her how big of a mistake shes making she just wont listen. she wants to get out of her parents house, and if risking her future is what its gonna take then thats what shes gonna do.. whatever. my moms always telling me not to worry about other peoples problems, "you have your own problems to deal with" she'd say, "let them deal with theirs". but that always sounded so selfish to me. im not going to stand by and watch my friends just jump off a cliff, im going to try to do whatever it takes to persuade them not to, even if they're not willing to listen. its worth a try.. right? well thats really all i have to say for now. sorry if it doesnt make alot of sense, i didnt really think about what i was writing before i wrote it. it all just kind of wrote itself. haha. anyways... i hope that this was worth reading.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
<3with all my heart<3
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| close your eyes and sleep to dream... |
[08 Nov 2016|06:44pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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brand new - the shower scene |
] |
life hasnt been too bad lately, other then the fact that ive really needed ally and she hasnt exactly been there for me but now things are kewl. she told me what happened and i totally understand, i love ya babe!
got my phone back: 407-242-1768
gimme a calll!!!!!
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| she put on happiness like a loose dress over pain ill never know... |
[24 Sep 2016|02:41pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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taking back sunday/ *your own disaster* |
] |
oh gawd, hmm..well i just wrote an extremly long entry telling about basically evreything. it had to be the longest entry ive ever written and i dont think i could write something like it again. arg, whateva. i guess ill try this again. eh, everything's just going so wrong. i guess im just a failure to everyone. ive let everyone down, my friends, my family.. how much worse can things get? so much shit has been going on and i just dont know what to do. its all so confusing, i dont even understand it most of the time. im so depressed im past the point of crying. ive cried all the tears that i had to cry. i kno that sounds incredibly emo, but i just dont care. none of it phases me anymore. what do i have left to loose? theres probably only 2 people in the entire world thats keeping me from doing something so incredably stupid, and they're jenna and ally. if it werent for them id just be a forgotten momory to everyone. none understands..allys like the only person i can talk to. shes the only person i know that acctually understands what im going through, and because of that i love her more then anyone else. i never knew so much crap could happen in such a short period of time, its like it all just attacked me at once. it didnt warn me or give me any time to react. its like one minute things are one way, and all in one measly minute its all just so different. arg, this is all really sucking...
it would be so impossible to explain how i feel. the best words i could use to describe it would be empty and alone. like absolutly nothing in the whole world will ever matter to me again. and what happened today just put the icing on the cake if you ask me. if you dont know what happened already, then ill tell you, me ally and zach got caught for skipping. well we werent acctually skipping tho, we were walking around campus trying to figure out where we were gonna go, when the teacher stopped us. anyways, we were only 15 mins to class so we made up this elaberate story about how we were going to zach's locker to get a book. but we still got suspened for 3 days and when they searched my back pack and found "tobacco". so..yeah, but im REALLY worried about zach and ally. im not gonna get in alot of trouble but i kno that they are. i feel so guilty about everything..even though i kno its not all my fauly thats how it feels. arg, i guess nothing can go right in my life. okay well, i guess ill stop my whining and let you all go on with your lives now. sheesh, its not as good as the first entry i wrote but i guess its close enough. well, thats what happened, and thats how i feel. thats todays entry, be safe kidds.
*peace out bitches<33333333*
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[22 Sep 2016|06:19pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
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music |
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me without you-bullet to binary |
] |
Let us die, let us die
Dying we reply
"don't talkto us about suffering,
look in our eyes".
Let us be, let us be-
Our closeness is such that
wherever she rests her head
in the softness underneath,
she'll feel me - and you will feel me.
Je leverai les yeux a toi-
J'ai change cent foi de nom
Je leverai les yeux a toi-
Je n'ai pas d'spoir.
When you laugh you'll feel my breath there
filling up your lungs. And when you cry,
those aren't your tears but I'm there
falling down your cheek.
adn when you say you love him, taste me
I'm like poison on your tongue-
But when you're tired, if you're quiet,
you'll hear me singing you to sleep.
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[03 Sep 2016|07:33pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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thursday |
] |
its been a long time since i wrote.. well alot of shits happened since then. my dad finally expressed his feelings towards the fact that im experimenting with drugs. hmm.. not too fun. and what i mean by not too fun i mean not fun at all, scarry even. he totally blew up. he started out yelling at me telling me how much of a disappointment i am. then he told me to pack all my stuff, still yelling about how i had to choose between him and my "druggy" friends. he basically kicked me out of his house and made me live with my mom. he said that i wasnt his daughter and that he never wanted to see me again. but here i am, at his house, seeing him. whatever.. he doesnt kno what he wants. a couple of other things happened but i dont want to talk about it. theres only one person i told. i finally realized that absolutly none understands me.. i guess thats just something ill have to live with. the thing is i just feel so unwanted on this earth, and im not saying any of this so people will feel sorry for me, because the last thing i want is peoples sympathy. but thats truly how i feel. in my last entry i wrote how it feels like there's an empty space in side me that needs to be filled, well now i feel totally empty, i even coinvinced myself that there's absolutly nothing on this earth that seems worth living for, but im not gonna go that far. anyways the point is things just havent been that great. well im done for now..
<3peace
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[19 Jul 2016|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
AHHHHHH. i have such mixed feelings. its like there's a place in my heart that's completely empty. and it's killing me to fill it. but no matter what i do i just cant figure out how to. and im totally depressed. im having trouble sleeping and eating. and the thing is i dont even kno what it is that im stressing over. i kno its stupid. it doesnt make sense. the only time im not worring about it is when im on drugs or with my friends. but those things dont last. drugs wear off, and i eventually have to go home. so that doesnt help for long. i just hate this feeling. rawr. i feel so emo. i hate feeling emo. anyways... me ally and kaley had the best galaxy nite ever! allot of things happened this weekend. i told my mom about everything. about the drugs ive done and just everything. it was so great. she didnt like judge me or nagg me or anything. she didnt yell or get mad it was just so great! she understood everything.and she even said she didnt mind if i do it every now and then. ill tell more about it later. and im so happy that everything worked out between ally, and jonothan. and kaley and dustin and everything. I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
<3peace out bitches
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| i've been gone a long time |
[17 Jul 2016|05:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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whoa/ wow |
] |
| [ |
music |
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EVERY TIME I DIE |
] |
EVERY TIME I DIE~
What we're doing is so wrong, and what you're wearing is so right (it's so
tight). But I've never felt better so I'm going out to get her and I don't
care what set of wheels I steal to get there. Balance is a minor setback.
What she thinks is all right, and the way she looks is just fine. She sure
as hell ain't you, but lord knows she'll have to do. She don't know I'm
alive but neither do I so there's nothing left to lose. If I could only make
it make you want to want me. One more drink, I think, should do. I wish that
I could say I love to watch you walk away, but you probably won't be back in
time to hear it. So it's just as well. No one out there gets back in alive.
So I'll love the way you stand so close to a guy who we both know can't get
near it. Strike when ready. Burn the highway down. Let me hear her high
heels moan. I'm ready, set, go. There's cocaine in the key that took us from
the bar to her car to the bedroom. Only the lonesome love us. Only the
careless can handle us. What's wrong with us that we're so unamused?
they broke my wings in an attempt to
divide a sickness from comfort of open wounds wide eyed I died
i am your deviant satellite, an orbit defected by the ballast of words.
you're the reason for collisions.
i am face down like a sailor washed up under your window.
tonight is a shipwreck.
navigating through disorder.
now every electric star hums like a telecaster.
how punk rock is that?
you're so oblivious.
baby, you're my oblivion.
forget everything i'm about to say.
it's important you appear startled.
i didn't survive the crash.
this is nothing personal.
i just had to stop shaking.
i'm sorry, but i don't feel as if i'm in any shape to comfort you.
P.S. - The greatest lovers were murderers first
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[17 Jul 2016|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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 dazed/ dumb |
] |
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music |
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pink floyd |
] |
1. hair color ♥ black/ brown/ dark
2. eye color ♥ blue eyes totally make me melt. haha.
3. height ♥ taller than me
4. six pack ♥ i dont care
5. long or short hair ♥ kinda long, messy definatly
6. glass ♥ ahhh
7. scars ♥ .... what kind of question is that? everyone has scars
9. eyebrows ♥ doesnt matter just as long as its no unibrow.
10. big butt or little ♥ huumm... that doesnt matter.
11. chest hair ♥ well it would be better then to have them shave it.. cuz thats weird.
12. buff or skinny ♥ i dunno.. just rite in the middle.
13. straight teeth, gap, or braces ♥ doesnt matter. just as long as they're clean.
14. funny or serious ♥ both, he has to be really funny. but when the time comes to be serious, he needs to know how.
15. party or stay at home ♥ both
16. should he cook or bake ♥ i dont care if they can bake or cook.
17. should he have a best friend ♥ yes
18. should he have a lotta girlfriends ♥ no. i agree with caysie. i would get jelous.
19. outgoing or shy ♥ like guys that are outgoing. they're easier to talk to
21. should he love his mother? ♥ doesn't matter
22. should he watch chick flicks? ♥ no way.
23. would he be a smoker? ♥ if he wants to be. doesnt matter to me.
24. would he drink? ♥ as long as he's not a drunk
25. would he swear? ♥ aduh, who the hell doesnt?
26. would he play with your hair? ♥ oh god if he did i would love him more then anything.
27. one or more girls at a time ♥ normal people would prefer one at a time... and i think id have to agree.
28. would he pay for dates? ♥ i dunno. maybe sometimes. i dont care if he does of not.
29. does he kiss on the first date? ♥ it depends on ow much i like him.
30. where would you go to dinner? ♥ burger king, subway, mcdounalds, doesnt matter to me.
31. would he bring you flowers? ♥ i dunno. doesnt really matter.
32. would he lay under the stars with you? ♥ hell yes! and we wold wish on every star for that moment to last forever.
33. would he write poetry about you? ♥ no. i would like it if he wrote songs about me tho.
33. would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby? ♥ no i dont really like that. i dunno y. im really weird, i think it would get on my nerves truthfully.
35. would he hang out with you and YOUR friends? ♥ his friends are my friends, haha. yepp. we're all friends.
36. would you hang out with him and HIS friends? ♥ his friends are my friends, same as above.
37. will he walk you to the door at the end? ♥ i dunno it depends how good the date went.
38. holding hands? ♥ i dunno, probably.
39. soccer ♥ i dunno, i hate all sprots.
40. baseball ♥ shit no
41. basketball ♥ nah
42. football ♥ hell fucking no way!
43. tennis ♥ sure if he was fag
44. surf ♥ surfings kewl i guess.
45. skateboard ♥ i duno
46. snowboard ♥ no
47. sing ♥ sure.
48. play guitar ♥ HELL MUTHER FUCKING YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
49. play piano ♥ ...
50. play drums ♥ only cuban, hell yea.
51. clean his room ♥ no.
52. paint, draw, sculpt ♥ draw
53. writes his own music ♥ yes
54. use the word dude ♥ if that his thing.
55. use the word tight ♥ eh
56. would he watch the sun rise with you ♥ kinda corny but sure y not?
57. what kind of car does he drive ♥ hippy van!
58. how old is he ♥ around the same age as me.
59. what would his name be ♥ doesnt matter
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